Monday, October 03, 2005

Big News!

First off, I apologize for not updating in the last couple weeks. I just have had other things on my mind....
The first week, it was just enjoying this life. But last week... last week is when the big news happenned.

I was in a really good mood last Wednesday after school, and thought to myself, "Why not wander by my wife's house? So what if she sees some kid smiling at her? What harm could it do?"
So I hopped a bus up to her part of town, and just wandered by. She was out in the front yard, playing with her little brother. I was just going to smile and keep walking, because it felt good just to see her, even if for just a minute, and even if we both were the wrong age.

But that is not quite what happenned - She got a look of shock on her face, and called me by name, asking what I was doing there? Naturally, I was also shocked...
The SAME THING has happenned to her. She also remembers our future life together, and has been having similar problems dealing with things here.

So thing are now much more interesting. But also more confusing. I have my wife back - in a way. I have someone I can call on the phone and talk to about things. (My parents think it is cute that I have a girlfriend all of a sudden.)
But it destroys any theory that this is just some vision or something specific to me -- it happenned to both of us.

In any case, we've just enjoyed catching upwith each other the past few days. We're starting to chat about what to do no -- do we look for an answer to go back to our lives? Or do we just go forward from here, dating until we are 'old' enough to get married again and live our own lives?

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Normal (?) Life

OK, although the disuccion on what is going on is going quite well, I also wanted to let you guys know a bit about the more typical events in the past few days.

Last night, the family drove up into the mountains, to the top of Guanella pass, to view the Northern lights. (There was a big solar flare 2 days ago, so we were expecting a good show.) It was cold, windy, and not very comfortable. But we did see the lights. It was a great reminder of how beautiful the world can be.

School has been getting better. I've either been relaxing or regressing, depending on your point of view, and have been getting along better with everyone. I've realized that this isn't a career -- it is just 8th grade. I don't have to be perfect in my grades, there is no 'permanent record' at this point, and none of this will matter in 4 years when I look at where to go with my life as an 'adult'. So I am relaxing, playing games with the other kids, and enjoying it.

I'm also taking advantage of my new-found youth. I can run for miles, then play soccer, then keep on running until bedtime. I never was much of an athlete when I went round this way the first time -- if I am truly stuck here, maybe I will pursue this a little bit more.

Don't misunderstand -- I still want to fix things and go back to my original life. But I am beginning to cope with the current situation.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Regarding the Soul

Regarding the Soul, and what may have happened to mine…
(Partially in response to a comment from the last entry.)

Personally, I believe that the soul has a broader existence that our conscious mind is aware of. I feel that is had knowledge of the nature of reality that we do not know on an active level. Because of this, it would not surprise me if within my soul, the answer to my problem is known.
I like the idea proposed in the comments from the last entry that it is my soul that jumped back. When I think about it, that makes sense. If the soul lives in a broader world, why should that world be limited by time? Why couldn’t the soul choose to communicate with my mortal self in a way that lets me experience my memories and feelings from a wider portion of my existence?
If this is truly the case – that I didn’t jump back in time so much as open a window to allow myself to experience my future life, it opens up new lines of questioning. Is the life that I ‘remember’ true? Or is it just a vision of one potential path?

If it is just potential… how should I respond to my emotions of loss for my wife and family? Not to mention my home, my friends, my work. Did I truly lose them? Or is this vision just a learning experience to help me make better choices in my future?

I’m not very comfortable with this line of questioning, to be honest. I feel like I have truly lived that life. My memories of 2005 are often fuzzy, while my memories of the future are very clear. And I don’t want to conclude that my future life was nothing but a potential path. I am quite attached to that life, even if the Buddhists out there would disapprove of that emotion.

Apparently, I have more questions than answers today.

Monday, September 12, 2005

I've been giving a lot of thought to how to approach solving this problem. At first, I thought about going the scientific route -- figuring out what memory and consciousness is exactly, and trying to work with it on that level. But who am I kidding? I wasn't a scientist in my previous life. How could I turn into one now?

Especially considering the relative lack of maturity of online research in this day. You guys are still searching by text indexes, there is no AI in the systems to group results by category, no global IDs to give you a sense of the qualifications of the author, and the engines don't accept plain text questions. It is frustrating, to say the least.

In any case, due to my lack of education, and the lack of resource, whatever caused this is not going to be explained by science. I think I need to go a different direction. Something more along the lines of spirituality/meditation. At this point, I have to suspect that a higher power has caused this to occur. Maybe if I ask nicely, I can get them to give me a hint or two.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Morning

Morning All,

I said that I would try to give more information about my school experiences, so I am sitting in my room at home, attempting to do just that.

Let me start by explaining the classes – the content of your average 8th grade class is not difficult for someone like me. But the details have gotten blurry over the last couple decades. For example, doing algebra doesn’t sound too bad, until I realize that I have no idea what the quadratic equation is anymore. The simple formulas aren’t bad, but complex ones throw me – not because I cannot do them, but because I have not looked at this stuff in so long. It is like trying to speak a language that you have not even heard in 10 years. Your brain doesn’t quite want to roll with it immediately. Luckily, the year is just starting, so the other kids seem to have the same cobwebs in their head.

Science isn’t bad. Neither is history. English is throwing me a bit. Not the reading, but when is the last time that you, as an adult, actually sat down and diagrammed a sentence. Again, I have the knowledge – it is second nature to me by this point. But taking something that is second nature, and being able to break it down on a chalkboard are two totally different things.

But I can deal with all of this. What I am having trouble dealing with is the social aspect of everything. The conversations between the boys in my classes tend to revolve around sports, games, music, and the girls in the class. I can participate in these discussions, but I don’t find them compelling. I have the patience to sit there and listen… having kids probably helped me there. But it is very difficult to feel like I am really part of what is going on. In my mind, I am not part of it. The last couple days, having this blog has helped – at least I have an outlet. I am able to treat school more like I would treat a job. I just go do it, and then come home to live the life that I really care about.

I didn’t have time to do any research last night. Or, I did have time, but chose to watch TV instead. I haven’t seen some of the old shows since the last time it was 2005. So I got sucked in. My parent’s ordered some pizza, and the family sat around watching “old” sci-fi shows. It was actually quite enjoyable. It felt like the holidays when everyone gets together and hangs out. But now I have it every night.

I guess that I am getting over the initial shock of being thrust back in time, and beginning to appreciate the positive aspects of things. This does not make up for the (hopefully temporary) loss of my wife and kids, but it should make my time more bearable as I search for an answer of how to get back.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Clarification

So I received an email from someone who stumbled upon this blog. They were asking why I went to school... she thought it seemed like a strange choice given where my thoughts were yesterday.

And I can see that -- so let me explain. I don't really want to go to school -- but neither do I feel comfortable sharing what is going on. I just don't think that people will believe me. So I have been living my live, interacting with my family as if I really am my 13-year-old self. Part of that includes going to school just as if I was a normal kid. I can just imagine how the conversation would go otherwise:
"Hey, Mom? I'm actually 35, and haven't lived with you fot 17 years. Can I skip school from now on?"
"Nice try -- get in the car."

Nope, not going to work. At least not today.

I don't have time right now, but I'll try to grab a few minutes later, after I get home, to tell you a bit more about this charade that I am putting myself through.

I apologize for the confusion -- I am sure that I am leaving out details as I write here, but will try to be more complete in the future.

Thanks for sending me the e-mail, though....

School?

I’m off to school shortly. 8th grade again… Wow.  A 35 year old in 8th grade. I may have a slight problem with boredom here.

The classes haven’t been difficult, but it has been a while, so I am legitimately having to re-learn some things. Nevertheless, the pace is very slow.  
No, my struggle is with my classmates. I just don’t have a whole lot in common with them. I do have quite a bit in common with the teachers. Somehow I suspect that I’m not going to be the most popular kid in the class.

I need to figure out what is really going on here. I need to figure out if I am truly going to be stuck in this situation. If not, I need to figure out how to end it. But if so, I need to skip high school and go straight to college or something. Not that I would fit in there either at this age…. But I could at least be independent

The question is – how do I figure this out? If I don’t know how it happened, how can I learn how to end it? I’ll try to spend some time researching it this afternoon… or at least figuring out where to start.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The problem

OK, now I am ready to tell you the real problem with this situation:

I know that this story has been told before – wasn’t in the last couple years that there was even a TV show based on the concept of getting to re-live your high school days? Well, those stories were based on the idea that you had regrets to fix and that you were unhappy in your current life.

Well, I was happy. Look at my life. My wife was one of the most intelligent, funny, and beautiful women that I had ever met. I was blissfully happy with her. My kids were equally wonderful. And my job was to travel the world, taking photographs of the people, the land, or whatever stuck my fancy. I was able to take my family with me on many occasions. With my wife being a teacher, we were able to “home school” our children while we traveled. She would teach while I did the business side of the work – writing the commentary on the photos, uploading them to the central database, providing approvals on the final croppings and editing done by the digital side of the work.
See what I mean? I had very few problems in my life. Sure, I did have some dark spots in my past, and things that I would like to avoid repeating. But therein lies the problem – my mistakes led me down a path that eventually worked out quite well for me.
Could I use my knowledge the future to make myself wealthy and successful? Absolutely. Will that lead me back to meeting my wife again? I don’t know. Even if I do meet her – for certainly I know where she is right now – how can I possibly replicate our previous dating relationship? If I tell her about my memories, that will certainly change her reactions. And if I don’t… when do I tell her? Never? I could not live with that dishonesty.
And that is the crux of my dilemma – everything else pales in comparison. How do I live my life now in a way that gets me back to my wife? I’m not prepared to let that go. I’m totally willing to entertain suggestions from anyone who stumbles upon these pages.

Day 1 of this insanity.

Day 1 of this journal, but day 5 of this experience.

I feel that I should explain what is going on here. If I can't explain it here, I may go crazy. I certainly can't tell my friends or family... at least not right now. Not until I figure out what is really going on here.

I'm starting this journal to document my experience, and just to have a place to work through my frustration.

Here's my story. I was born 13 years ago, went to college in Wisconsin 5 years from now, got married 8 years from now, had two children, and was making a nice life for myself as a professional travel photographer.
But then one day I slipped off a cliff while shooting in Colorado. I had a few moments of terror as I fell, knowing for sure that my life was over. But I didn't die in the fall. Or at least, maybe not. I woke up with a massive headache, dizziness, and nausea. When I tried to get out of bed, I found myself walking around my old bedroom from when I was a kid. I figured it was a dream, drank some water, went back to bed, and woke up -- still in my 13 year old body, living my 13 year old life.
For the last 5 days, I've been going through the motions, living back in 2005. Thankfully school just started, so I haven't had to catch up a lot -- it is just a new school year, at a new school. I would need to learn my way around even if I did remember anything before 5 days ago, so I have been able to hide my situation fairly well. My family knows that I am acting differently, but I am hoping that they are just writing it off to puberty.

Why don't I just tell them, you may ask? "Tell them what?" I will respond.. Most of you probably won't even believe this, so I am afraid of trying to explain it to people. I'm afraid of being accused of delusions and put into psychiatric care. Maybe they would be right. Maybe I am crazy. But then how could I have such clear memories of 2027, while 2005 seems like a blurry dream? No, I think this is for real. I will just have to learn my way around again.

I'll come back here in a little bit to continue to explain how this is affecting me. Just getting this much out is helping me, but I need to take a break before explaining what I have lost in this process. Even thinking about it is hard on me... give me an hour or two to prepare, and I'll try to continue me story...